Love, Romance, Marriage, Family, Career, ....

Why Old Systems Work

 Chance encounters, conversations heard, a piece of a film, often removes a veil and tells how, why things work. For often there are conflicting views and even conflicting forces at work, and one is not sure what path is the best to choose for one's life. And veils don't help, nor do the botched reality that is so different from the ideal or the well-thought out system that is intended. Age old institution of marriage is no different in this. 

 Modern world looks to west for all and and unless one has heard or experienced to the contrary, it is thought that Independence and nuclear family are ideals, as is women working. But it was not only my experience to the contrary, it is far more pervasive - extended families are the biggest support of a married woman (when they work well), particularly more so when she goes out to earn, and childcare is a concern. It is not that family replaces servants - it is that family is needed for emotional well-being as well. For the children, for the young couples. A social fabric with well knit threads does not allow anyone falling through cracks due to lack of support when all goes well. 

 It is true that not all goes well always - but then that would be true of almost anything. Test of strength and health comes with those times when not all goes well. That is when one looks elsewhere for another way. But most of the time when a system works it is taken as the only good one by those who belong to that system, and they look askance at others' ways, finding fault with everything different and congratulating themselves on their own. 

 And so east sees western system as full of various risks, including the ultimate point counted against it - divorce rate - and east asks, if you love how do you abandon them, why any divorce at all? While west shudders at east for their arranged marriages, not realising it is not so strange a world as all that - once they had it too, and often very wealthy western families too are careful to arrange the marriages of progeny in all but name. And even normal middle class is not all that all accepting if the new person to be introduced are very different, not often. Mostly people look for someone attractive whom one has reasonable amount in common with and can get along with, and if that is done in a haphazard way nevertheless if one is honest one would admit it matters if the partner gets along well with family and friends, and that is always present as a criteria in the subconscious. One might not obey it as a rule but that is irrespective of the system. 

 Bob related how a woman in the church - which he attended while here - met him outside the church after the ceremony on Sunday and proposed to him for her daughter, who was standing nearby close to her mother and said not a word. The first time he told the story we heard it as a novelty for him, and perhaps a vain boast of how India was after him. Those of us listening who were local did not at first react, for we had not understood what his point was. Then I explained that the woman had proposed to him for her daughter for reasons that were natural; because for one thing he looked quite plausible as Indian, and for another she took him as of her own community since they were in the same church. That last part surprised all those present who were not Indian, and that surprise told us much, as it must have told them too. 

 Later, once at a relaxed long lunch, this was one of the topics we talked over. I was explaining the good points of an arranged marriage system as evolved through old times, as in practice today in step with times, and how and why it it works and so forth. And why Love can be a dream, one that comes true some times, but cannot be a system to find a mate to marry and have a family, unless one is willing to either fool oneself into thinking it is love when one is merely looking to find someone attractive and possible to marry, or remain celibate forever if necessary if one's one true love does not appear until too late. If truly all western marriages and /or affairs were based on love there would be no advertisements for dating, no dating agencies, in fact no dating - one would be a polite closed book until love burst through clouds and hit two people with lightening (metaphorically speaking) and one would be attached forever, as in Romeo and Juliet. 

 He thought we were doing a your-system-versus-our-system, and promptly said - yes, there aren't so many divorces in India, marriages work better here. I was taken aback and said, well, divorces aren't always bad, it is better than murder, for example. They, surprised it was not a "we are better" speech, had little to say at that and general talk continued.

The point really is that nature hits you at a certain age with need to find someone so you can get on with reproduction, since nature has no intention of failing merely through human folly of not finding someone, and while all know about Love few find it or can afford to wait, so a significant part of humanity accepts this and says, if you find love ok but if not there is a system to help you at the right time - and the other system makes find someone somehow haphazardly and say it must be love, until they fail. 

 The point really is not about fixing someone, or something, once for all, but rather about a commitment, and willingness to adapt and grow into a new life, and a civilised behaviour in an intimate relationship, and giving it all one can. It is heaven when one finds love - but to love someone is far more than the first days of discovery, which is often what is confused with love, and that factor produces the breakups that are for not serious reasons. Then again if one breaks up easily - or even looks elsewhere - that says something about the relationship, and about the persons involved. Exactly what it says is of course not same for all. 

 Again, a comparison with one's life occupation might seem strange - but some people take one more seriously and some other, and when it comes to finding what you can live with and committing to a reasonably good degree so one can make something of life - it is not so different. Not many people can have a serious career life if they jump away from one into another that looks attractive from outside, not if they do it as a hobby. And, too, few can wait to find the right vocation before they can get along with earning or at least doing something, unless one is too rich to care - and these days are past that sort of feudal wealth when one could afford to not even be able to manage an inheritance, and could leave it to trusted people to do it for you. 

 That is even true of finding a home - those who have had a home from childhood, or a home in the family for generations, know the difference from temporary buy-make-profit-and-sell sort of today's houses. And of course it is clear that even when you are grown up and are able to survive normally you don't wait to be hit with an inspiration of an architectural equivalent of love and romance before you have a home to live in. 

 And if some people - and there are always those sort in plenty, not that they are completely wrong, only half - who go on telling women that women should look after families and home and not delay - well, what could they propose that women do in a haphazard system where no guarantee of being able to have a stable marriage or even a proposal exists? - Yes, we have all watched S&C, and other shows and so forth, where it is clear nothing works - not being attractive, being willing to give, waiting, whatever. The guy might just go and marry someone else or even continue with this one but not pop the question. If employers behaved this way no man could ever earn a living; women are expected - not to earn, that term is reserved for work that gets over after eight hours a day five days a week - to create home and life for a family with this system. 

 So the system of romance is - stay or pretend to be stupid, definitely don't be competitive and don't do better than the average boy even in grade school, don't look and science and if there are idiots claiming you cannot do it don't challenge them, no medical school for you and no presidency either, if you don't marry at sixteen go for low paid jobs to pay for cosmetics and look like a doll mask rather than human, pay your blood and sweat to walk on impossible footwear and stuff yourself into whatever they offer in stores at whatever prices, and be sweet, smiling, whatever it takes - and then wait for someone to pop the question. And if he leaves you with young children while he keeps most of the money and gets a trophy wife a decade younger and looks better at the pool they bought - it is your fault for being older than her, so be quiet, and allow him to enjoy the children when - if - he remembers them. Anything else and you deserve to be looked at askance for being human. 

 And this is not the worst, but the normal stream, what your average women go through, your mothers' generation went through, and so will your daughters. 

 This is not to say that the other way does not have any faults, but that it began as a good, workable system and can be - and is already evolving into - a far more workable system. It is not about your parents finding and forcing someone on you, and really no one can be forced but is not at all willing except by out and out kidnapping; but most societies weddings do involve an active participation of the couple involved, be it verbal audible agreeing or walking around the fire - and those unwilling can fight it and do, those who have courage in love make their moves and take chances. 

 This is not to say that people using or even threatening violence against a couple of legal age have right, no they absolutely do not. When a couple has found each other let them be, and support with advice and help but without threats. This works the other way too - when they decide to separate offer exactly the same, help and support, and that is not your chance to recriminate and remonstrate and tell them it was because they did not take your advice. For if your advice goes wrong you are forever responsible all that befalls them and you are only human - don't take on the responsibility of ruining a life or more than one. 

 What is true however is that every parent has a natural worry about seeing one's progeny happy and safe and secure, or at any rate most do, and a right to help it to be so, whether it is giving good food or providing home and education or helping them find the right person - or at least options they can choose from if they so are inclined. That mother outside the church was - is - a good mother to the best of her knowledge and ability. And if her daughter is unwilling to take a person chosen she is old enough to say so, and can. 

 Truth is neither love nor marriage through finding or choosing your own mate is new to India, at least. Ancient systems are clear about eight different ways of marriages - weddings - and giving a daughter to one you choose is only one of them. And for that matter isn't it a part of almost every wedding ceremony (except civil) to have someone, usually a father or father figure, "give away" the bride? 

 Other forms of marriage or wedding that were considered legitimate as per system or tradition of ancient India include love marriage that is either conducted in secret or involves eloping or both, looking at all the grooms willing and choosing one, and so on. Our heroes, our Divine Avataars (Avataar is, literally, Descended form of Divine on Earth) had these forms of marriages - Raama, Krshna, and many others. True, often they had to fight for it too, but not because it was not considered valid - only because some people were displeased and challenged them and so forth. For that matter, Paarvatie the beloved daughter of Himaalya going into forests to find and marry Shiva might just be the very first love story, and it goes on to their marrying and living in bliss as a Divine couple with joys and fights all too human as well. So what is called love marriage is hardly new to India. 

 Not everyone can be a hero and should not required to be, not everyone should have to fight and no one should be subject to a physical threat for choosing - having found - love. But the threats of violence are not as common as all that, and even so are not part of the system, much less prescribed or even allowed by tradition or faith or culture of India. Threats of violence are merely due to, part only of, human blemishes and flaws, albeit serious ones, and should not be left unpunished. Parents do not own children - parents owe children, having given life. Parents owe children love, guidance, help, support, security, and a shoulder and heart when needed. And in most cases ambient society is guided by the parents concerned. If you care for your children don't worry about what people will say, tell people what to say. People will turn away and mind their own business if you don't give a spicy story about your own on a platter.

 But as far as the system goes - our girls are doing well academically and marching forth in careers while our society has less of luxuries, and while no everyone has same levels - well, if some go forth and cut the bushes and clear a path others do follow. So what began as a difficult path to make with a few, very few women two hundred years ago is a veritable highway today - and it was possible only because there were no difficulties against them in scriptures, there were not only historical and more ancient examples, but even look at our Goddesses - one for Wealth, one for Learning, one for Divine Victory.

 Having a doctor daughter has been always considered a good idea - we never had an inquisition against learned women and those with knowledge - and too a doctor daughter in law. Traditional medicine was basically a family matter at a basic level and was conducted largely by women, the older they were the more they knew and in turn taught their younger family members. It is merely an everyday necessity. 

 What limited women was the need to have and deal with a family at the right time - so those days when civil engineering meant going to far away places and having a rough life it was not encouraged for daughters. Today it is different, and women are in more professions than ever. And all because there is no question of having to do everything for yourself, so children are with the whole family, but it is more than that. 

 A very major and fundamental difference is this - here girls don't have to learn to be popular with boys, or attractive to males in general or worry about dating, on the contrary - all children are encouraged to be academically and otherwise achievers, and do whatever they can to make something out of their talents, and question of "finding someone right" is dealt with at such time as when a person is perceived as ready with a finished education and possibly established or at least begun a career. Which is when family and other helpful systems can be used - newspaper ads, now Internet, social contacts, agencies, any and everything possible. 

 So children do not get distracted before time (unless lightening hits in form of Love, but not so due to necessities of being able to find someone and learning how to find someone and being attractive for the purpose), and that time is delayed as far as necessary by the occupied young dealing with education and career, since any looking around before a reasonable age and stage is not encouraged. 

 And girls do very well, academically, ever better with every passing year. No one tells them they cannot just because they are not men, and so that factor does not debilitate them by sheer suggestion. They do well because they are expected to do their best and so they do. They are not rendered unfeminine - on the contrary, look at any wedding and see them dress up - and truth is femininity does not hinder anyone from achievement at young age any more than boyhood does; less, in fact, possibly. 

 And our elders are busy unless their children migrate. Busy with grandchildren - and children who are dealing with stress and need all the guidance, all the caring and relaxing a parent's concern and pat on head might bring. They don't have to prove they are forty when they are seventy, they have a beauty and dignity that increases with experience and life. You will find them at theatres and concerts, social events and family homes.

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