Finding That Special One

How To Find That Special One

 There is perhaps one obvious secret that some young and some old people understand. It is about how to find someone for yourself. And the real secret is there is no guarantee, no secret recipe, no magic formula. 

Vsa has a daughter who married out of her linguistic region, which strictly speaking Vsa had done too except in the older one it was the parents who had tried for both daughters, found grooms that the daughters had okayed. and they had naturally been within limits of what they could do; they would have okayed suitable independent finds of the daughters which Vsa had a chance to make happen, but she was daunted by the prospect of having to learn a new language and adjusting to the very different family - and backtracked. Her daughter married someone from the other end of the subcontinent and from a linguistic region so different often people confuse the difference with racial one, though that confusion about race is a mere convenient political tool. They have explained that the bride and groom found each other on the internet, and although that has become a common story within a very short time of of existence of internet, it might just either be true or possibly also be a convenient cover. When the ambient society looks askance at young making their own choices and that too in person, internet is a convenient cover by virtue of being comparatively impersonal, and avoiding embarrassing speculations of the said ambient society.

 But for the difference of language and therefore very different traditions the family behaves as if there were no difference - though often it is clear that there are gaps in one side comprehending the other. But it is about the young couple being happy with each other and with his parents, and then all is well. As it is in this case. 

 I am conversationally talking about how the older system makes it possible for people of every sort to find a good match if only it is used well, and Vsa uses that to turn to her son and say - see, listen to this - using the positive impression he has formed of us to turn it to her advantage. He is more than upset at this, and it seems to have been a bone of contention for a while. (Perhaps it is part of a pattern - later there seems to be a difference about his choice of future and he is going beyond the safe tried and well trodden path she can cling to, and we are the only ones to support his wisdom of choice, in finding a wider horizon for his flight into future.) 

 So then I make myself clearer - I tell him, by all means you make the decision, and don't let anyone force you against your will, and if you are pushed into something unwillingly you will ruin not only your own but the life of the person you marry unwillingly; but don't refuse to meet anyone, and use all your resources to find the right person, and realise that your parents might be your biggest resource, and it is quite possible to fall in love in your mother's drawing room just as well as at a bus stop. 

At this Vsa is silent, and the young one has no reason to complain. I later suspect that it might not quite be as theoretical as I then thought, and if so it is not merely the usual conventional wisdom modified to suit the family convenience - let the daughter have a quiet marriage of her own choice but try to keep the son to your choice, daughter has a career and daughter in law should look after home and respect elders' wishes. Of course, usually people do not put it to even themselves quite so blatantly, if they did they would see the contradiction and hypocrisy. 

 At another corner of the planet a young girl is quietly rebellious about various pressures from all around, the society she has been brought up in living one way and her extended family around her another. Her parents have already had a modern sort of marriage and life and are aware of the various stresses either way, and have to field the darts of their elders about the daughter's being more local than ideal Indian old fashioned acceptable. But they are also very caring, loving and protective of their daughters and would be devastated if there was any real hurt received by one of them. The daughters are intelligent, and also innocent. Which is where the protective elders bit comes in. 

 The girls have kept away from various common ills - smoke, drink, or anything worse. That is already quite creditable, my generation was not always that wise and several people it is too late already - they have risked their life and health in name of lifestyle. I hope the girls do well and find happiness, because they deserve to. But being so far away from their roots has given them and even their elders a bit of an off perspective, where India is equated with old and throwaway - not realising what a marvel the living, evolving, open-sky land they have left behind. Their choices might be limited by this distance from the homeland they no longer think of as home, and the limitations of the ambient society of their chosen home. I hope they overcome those hurdles and do the best they could anywhere. 

 Our generation tried everything and often it looks like a mixed bag but really it is about a new generation finding its wings and evolving and yet keeping its roots, and in the process the society evolves. Several of us went across boundaries of language, caste, even countries and continents sometimes. Others left the first looking to their parents and made the final choices after meeting the few selected by parents. One cousin shook up her family, and was supported by her very loving father and so the relations of generations were not broken. 

 Her cousin mentioned the reactions of the other members of the family and said, it is just as well she found someone for herself, she would have never found someone so good through older routes. I disagreed with the latter part - but seeing the look on the face of the person talking to me said - of course it is only right to marry the person you have found you love, but that is not to say you couldn't have found someone just as good or better by any other route. 

 Another person, a dear friend of many, many years talked to me once about the changes taking place in India - then, I was fresh back from abroad - and related how a man had used regular channels of finding someone to marry a woman of another caste, and my friend was very laudatory about this; and while there is no denying the fact that this taking place on large scale between any two communities would dissolve differences and so forth to a great degree, the first thing that occurred to me - and I promptly said it too - was that one should marry someone one loves and respects, and it is a choice on a personal level. My friend was taken aback at the unexpected response, and I further made it clear that while marrying across communities is good for society it does no good if one person is going to feel charitable and great for having done this, while the other is either confused with the delusion of having a partner or open eyed and knows one is a charity recipient; so the only way for marrying is ignore the caste, colour, and so forth to the extent possible and focus on whether you could find love and peace with this person - or you don't care if there is peace because there is no life without this person. Then, it is love and you would be lucky to keep it, having been lucky to find it in the first place. 

 When you do find love there is no justification needed for clinging to it, for that is only right, and anything else would be wrong. It might not work out but one has to give it all one has got and do one's best anyway. If one has not yet found love that is when there is a question of looking and trying to find someone. 

 One has to try all possible ways and do one's best and leave it to the one above. Every other help - parents, social whatever - might help, so rule out nothing. When you begin to look, have a good idea of what you are looking for; and when you have found it, stop looking. Your mind and others' wisdom helps in the looking process, but it is your heart that is wiser - it one day tells you "this is it". Trust your own heart when that happens. Good luck.

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