For years I was unsure if he was living or whether
I would know if he were not, so completely I had tried to severe all possible
links of communication – not that I was successful, I am sure various people I
met and calls I had when I was still answering a landline phone were his
attempts to keep tab. Keep tab, I say, rather than interpreting it as his
pathetic attempt to keep in touch with a firstborn, with some reason. It was
his ego and more, his need of control and more, that prevented him from simply
meeting his new relatives rather than send indirect messages after I got
married. And that was over two decades ago.
Not that my marriage had anything to do with our
ways parting – on the contrary,when I got the first message from him through
his second daughter, asking me to visit after I was married, I turned around
and asked her if the demand from him that I keep away had turned around because
I was no longer seen as a possible supplicant. She tried to avoid replying, and
had to answer in affirmative when I insistently repeated the question. She said
yes.
So I had no reason to rethink of whether or not to
meet. And even more recently when I joined facebook and was sent a missive
through a young woman, a stranger to me, it was convoluted in that while she
informed me it was a plea from an old man in an old people’s home, what I was supposed
to do was to contact someone she knew who knew where to find him. So if I did
he could deny having made efforts to contact, of course.
For years, decades, he and his side of relatives
had penalised my mother for her lack of doing precisely what was required
socially and going with heartfelt goodness of hers that was her way. But when
it came to requirements on his parts re dealing with various in laws related
though his blood relation females, his ego had made his behaviour vary from
merely fall short of propriety to positively, astoundingly weird. So his being
unaware that it was up to him to meet the new relatives after he was informed I
was married was no surprise. My nightmare would have been his meeting them and
regaling them with false stories. If that did not happen, and I am far from
sure it did not at that, I have cause to be grateful to heavens for this little
bit.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
When he did pass on recently, I was informed almost
immediately, and that was the first time I knew the answer to whether I would
know if he did. His life had been long enough, mine destroyed enough and not
due to any reluctance on his part to participate in every way possible in the
said destruction, for his departure to matter any longer. And yet, it was not a
relief or a blankness but an inexplicable sense of loss that seemed to make
itself feel if I allowed it. I wondered why, and as usual answer came when
question rose.
Somewhere deep within there still was a child that
hoped against hope, in spite of the self that had existed forever and knew
better and made me seem old when still a child, and this child still surviving
somewhere forgotten and deep had wished for a turn where recognition of good
and justice would win, where a parent would finally recognise his wrongs and
the deep injuries of the child inflicted unjustly. And this seemed like it was
never to happen, time was up.
But I had never expected it to happen while he did
live, never in my life; in fact somewhere in early seventies he had assured me
publicly that if I had been target of injustice on his or anyone else’s part
that would not amount my being bestowed with any redressal of injuries or
injustice. So it was surprising there was still a child somewhere deep within
that was disappointed at this passing away of someone unjust who had never
acknowledged it.
Then again, perhaps that is a wonderful thing, to
have this child exist within, and not be a fossil cynic, dried old know all
incapable of wonder. To that I have to thank our mother for not having the
children die within us, and nurturing them with all her sunny love and
cheer.
Tears this time, unlike when she had gone and I
couldn’t think of any reason to live or what to do with life, were about a cry
of this child, asking why one had been persecuted so much, what had one ever
done to deserve it. But then Mgm arrived and said, what made you think
persecution is deserved? Of course! I had known all about the victims of the
last century, and yet, the child expected justice, unlike the know all self
that did not.
………………………………………………………………………………………
He had thrown me out with repeated beatings over
four months and demands of “leave my house” – all because I would not give up
academic aspirations at eighteen only to be a slave at his beck and call. My
mother had exposed his hypocrisy by demanding he get me married immediately if
that was the problem according to him, and assured him she would see to it I
agreed. He had gone pale she said,and stuttered with “how can you say that, it
might take twenty years to find a groom” upon which she had asked what he
expected me to do during those twenty years, was I to be a house servant for
him and no life of my own? He had answered he wanted me to sacrifice my life to
help him carry the load of his family.
And there had been a relative witness to this who
could report about it, it was far from a private conversation, rather it was
his attempt to beat her down into submission to make me give up my aspirations.
But they had been desperate effort to survive rather than aspirations.
I had left after one morning when he banged my head
on the wall repeatedly demanding I leave, and worse. For years thereafter he
persecuted me socially and in every way he could, with occult power to destroy
my life and achievements through years as he gained power. After my mother
passed away, he had never even conducted a funeral ceremony, not that I am
aware of. So all that talk of duty was only for enslaving others while he
flitted about contacting old girlfriends who had no intention of meeting him,
he had no duty even of conducting a funeral for a wife and mother of his son
and daughters.
And he had not given up on destroying me at that,
managing significantly more after she died and I had achieved much
academically. I was willing to give him all the satisfaction by dying, too, but
that was not good enough. What he needed were victims alive that could be
tortured.
So there was a public scene of throwing me out this
time a few days after I was out of the hospital, something he had missed the
first time I had left, and more. He not only took out a legal notice to the
effect that if I ever came anywhere near he would see to it I shall suffer, but
went about seeking anyone I knew to tell of it. Eventually someone did inform
me of the fact, and as far as I was concerned it could not be better.
For years I had been persecuted with people going
on and on about why don’t I see him, couldn’t I admit people could change, he
was really not as bad as I thought, I should not fear anything so much, and
more such trash. Trash, because in this case it was false. People assumed a
parent could not be bad, and this was perhaps generally true, but not
universally. Now this explicit notice and demand I stay away played in my
favour, and perhaps he had failed to realise as much quite then.
……………………………………………………………………………..........……
When I finally met someone that made my fear of
marriage vanish, I got married, taking care my relatives were not informed. I
am not sure I succeeded in this. At the wedding if anyone asked who present was
from my side I informed them my husband was on my side. This was all new to all
concerned present and I am thankful for whatever power of heaven made them
refrain from questioning on the whole.
So when later messages and manipulations began to
make me meet him, I was not about to oblige. I had to protect someone innocent
from this hell of relatives the poor man had inherited due to marrying me.
Those I would have liked to present him to were all gone, and others I was
unsure of, and then there were those that had not acknowledged my mother’s
passing on even with a short sentence of “sorry for your loss”, which was a
major lapse in propriety for those that had penalised her lifelong for not
giving small traditional gifts to visitors. I had no wish to inflict any of
them on him, certainly.
……………………………………………………………………………………………
Now I hear about his final time, and it is
horrifying, what little I hear.
The relatives he attempted to placate by
victimising his own family, his children born of his beautiful, intelligent,
educated wife of many achievements whom he chose to marry rather than the
girlfriend he had been involved with, the relatives who had hated his wife and
never given up on complaining to him about his wife or children no matter how
much they saw him thrash and injure them, those relatives – his relatives – left
his body in the room where it was waiting for his son’s arrival even as they
crowded into another room, gossiping with one another and demanding service
from the daughter he had thrashed blind to please them.
In this the relatives had been consistent, I am
told. They had asked the niece to come with her brother, but not bring their
brother, the link in the relations, while he lived. They wanted to meet someone
who could be useful to them.
So he had destroyed a loving wife that anyone could
and did envy, a marriage and a home and children that could all have prospered
and blossomed brilliantly – for what? Placating the relatives who did not want
him finally, but wanted his son,and demanded service from his daughter while he
lay in another room – alone?
Was it Munchhausen by proxy, forcing his life and
his family into a position where he could beg for pity from all and sundry
rather than ignore or deal with their envy of his having a brilliant and happy,
loving and beautiful family?
Or was it merely that some people are born so
unfortunate they destroy anything good they find, albeit having hunted it
before so they can have it so they can destroy it rather than benefit?
I don’t know the answers.
…………………………………………………………………………………………
I keep looking to see, don’t I have anything
positive, anything of a good memory, of love or even concern or support? No, he
had not admitted my achievement when I came back, post doctorate and a faculty
position – he had instead praised a niece of his for her skill in making a mix
flour pancake. Fair enough, making pancakes is an achievement and if he thought
it was superior and failed to make me see it, not his fault, even though for
years he had remarked on his dissatisfaction about my grades and academic performance
that had never been good enough for him. “I expected you to top the exam, and
you did not, but it is ok” was post school; “she is no scholar, how could she
get a scholarship except by lying about her father’s being poor? I could write
to her university and stop her scholarship” when I was doing graduate school in
another city on my own after leaving home (my mother had assured him he ought
to do just that, and that I deserved to lose if I had lied, rather than
pleading with him not to do so). After I had my doctorate there had been no
celebration, either.
But fair is fair and if anyone thought it was all
equal whether one went through years of stress and effort and managed to have a
small success in academic career or one had an affair and an mtp at fifteen
before marrying and being a mother of two before twenty and could make
pancakes, fair enough. Only, why not be satisfied with the pancake maker as a
permanent companion available on demand, rather than making convoluted
approaches to demand that one legally warned to stay away with dire
consequences should after all visit nevertheless (no legal assurance of the
previous notice having been vacated, at that, much less any apology for
victimisation and brutal treatment), just so everyone around could see that the
daughter would not see the father, rather than that the father had brutally hit
her repeatedly demanding that she leave his house when she was only
eighteen?
Because the so called or professed praise of the
pancake making niece or a profession of equality was a fraud, that was why. And
fraud he was through and through.
………………………………………………………………………………………….
I wish there was one good memory, I wish this muck
would go away. I am afraid the only way for it to go away is to stop about him,
forget him and his ilk, get over the fact of the bloodline and make sure one
does not take that turn of character in any way.
Is there no good memory, no positive fact to
mention?
……………………………………………………………………….........................…..
A couple of years ago on the internet it was
mentioned Mercury was visible and easy to spot being next to Venus and Spica,
and I made efforts to see it. Aftera few days of attempts and clouds defying,
suddenly one could see all three clearly. That was the first time in my life I
had been aware of seeing Mercury, and loved it. Going up with binoculars and
looking up was a major occupation that winter, and it went on well into April,
when the brilliant planets – Jupiter had been visible with its four major
satellites, and was a joy every day – began to set. Thereafter clouds interfered,
and we travelled, and more, disrupting the routine hours on the terrace. Now,
there are brilliant lights around, making it far more difficult.
But that first time when I saw Mercury, I had
thought of him one day pointing at a bright planet very close to horizon, and
saying “Mercury is difficult to spot, so I am not sure, but that might be
it”.
This was some time around mid sixties. Later,
beginning '67 or so onward if not earlier, communication was much worse and his
agenda of victimising me had been not merely decided but conveyed to me
clearly via the one person who was the link in the relationship - as every
mother is between her child the father of the child. So when I spotted a
comet in eastern skies in mornings sometime around '70 give or take a couple of
years, he was surprised I had spotted it and knew about it before he did and
taken this casually enough that I had not informed him. But I had not only
assumed he would have seen it if I had, which I did, rather it was difficult to
communicate with someone who had made rules towards depriving and victimising
me and made them known to all and sundry. So the sharing of thrill of looking
above was lost. Besides, that was far from something that can be said to be
only between him and his chidren, much less him and me.
I remember hearing a conversation between my mother
and her mother – grandmother had a major hand in bringing us up, caring for us,
and more – to the effect that days were getting longer and sun was now setting
more towards north. I looked, and of course it was clear, and I thought, I knew
this, I have known this for over a year that this happens. I was six.
That was before high rise buildings obscured the
then completely visible horizon. And Mercury was the only positive memory of
the man who departed unwanted by his premarital blood relatives after he had
destroyed his marriage and wife and children to satisfy them.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
Someone who cares will come running to see you
against all obstacles as and when one is in need, and if unable to come will at
least call, write, something, directly and risking possible hurt to one's ego
and more. A convoluted approach to make someone contact one by various people
being used for the purpose is indicative of one's ego, while keeping tabs with
anonymous calls or through other people is one's pathetic need of control. If
one breaks with someone one ought to know one may not meet or hear from them
ever again, for death waits for no one, and if and when one may turn around the
other might just not be there. And if someone makes their wishes to cut
communication or contact clear, dominating by using such contacts to break a
distance does not indicate caring if it happens when one needs it rather than
the other person; one might be honest and say one needs the other rather than
saying one cares, if one has not shown concern in any form other than breaking
or contacting at one's own will and refrained from risking hurt to ego.
In this someone like him is far more pathetic than
can be imagined - for he was married to someone who was able to transform from
an achiever to a caring, loving parent, transcending ego. His apparent victory
in destroying her perhaps brought him close to those that saw her as wrong in any
way, which usually is convenient, for if one allowed oneself to admit that the
victim was not at fault one has to choose between doing something even as
simple as taking side of the victim, usually not safe socially, or admitting
one's cowardice. This is usually not unknown to anyone, one's own courage being
less evident than lack thereof, but most attempt to cover it up by going with
how the victim was wrong, and forming bonds with those in power, preferably
with wealth that can be shared, and call it tolerance when they have to suffer
ignominy due to their choices.
I wish it were different, but if wishes were
concordes one would lack time enough to ride, for life is all too short.
And tomorrow is promised to no one.
...............................................................
...............................................................
………………………………………..
